01 January 2008|
Microsoft To Produce BCS Computers
Could the college football system get any worse?
Apparently unsatisfied with the way they completely screwed college football the past few seasons, the Bowl Championship Series announced this week that it was offering Microsoft a contract to build a Windows operating system to run the BCS computers.
"We're confident that no company gave us the possibility of committing grave college football injustices more than Microsoft," said BCS coordinator Kevin Wieberg in a press conference. "All of us at the BCS have PCs at home, and we all noticed how nothing was done correctly on them. We put our minds together and realized that Microsoft was perfect to run the BCS."
Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen agreed. "At Microsoft, we pride ourselves on the fact that our operating systems give users the least possible stability, quality, and accuracy for their money. In addition, we are aware of how many documents have been removed, school classes have been failed, students have been flunked, jobs have been lost, projects have been bungled, and lives have been ruined thanks to Windows. This fine history will be prominently displayed in Windows BCS as all of college football gets hosed."Windows BCS, loosely based on the Windows Vista platform, will require 17 programs to determine the Top 25, 13 programs to determine each bowl placement, and six programs to determine the national champion.
Each of the programs is saturated with the Windows unreliability the world has come to expect. When a program commits an illegal operation, the top 25 teams are automatically shuffled, and Southwestern Missouri State is automatically ranked number one.
"The great thing about Windows BCS," Wieberg gloated, "is that it allows us to botch things up quickly and easily, and even more so than we were able to do before."
All is not lost, however, for the teams that are actually good. Windows BCS allows the BCS to consult reality (meaning, mostly, the AP and coaches polls), but the feature is disabled by default. When asked how to enable it, Allen shrugged and replied that it is "somewhere in Properties."
On the support website for Windows BCS, there are already 5,348 known errors, fatal errors, and illegal operations. The errors include Windows giving a team the strength of schedule of infinity, Windows filling in "Wofford College" into every spot in the Top 25, and Windows completely deleting teams and entire conferences, unable to be retrieved again.
When asked how teams could avoid being deleted, Allen smiled. "It's Windows. We don't even know what it's going to do. At least you know the deletions are impartial."
The Prometheus Institute obtained a screen shot of Windows BCS during the presentation, displayed below:
Windows BCS will be put into use for the opening weekend of games.