Five Common Types of Republicans
An identification guide

Justin Hartfield

1. The Christian Right

This seemingly omnipresent faction of the Right has finally taken over the Republican party. Once identified with small government and conservative fiscal polices, the Republican party is turning into the Big Government party, with the Christian Right's conservative social policies leading the way. The Christian Right doesn't necessarily support socialist policies but seems to be willing to accept any sort of economic stance as long as their particular social issues are upheld ("decency" legislation, ban on gay marriage, abortion, and teaching of evolution in school, and tax-exempt status for their church).

2. The economic conservative but social moderate

Traditional liberals, who support a free market and an increase in freedom on most social issues are forced to choose between two ineffective and out-of-touch parties. Choosing either of the two parties depends almost entirely on issues these latent libertarians hold most paramount. If they hold fiscal conservation and small decentralized rule as the foremost duties of government, they will vote Republican. If they hold social freedoms and individualism as the primary function of the government, they often vote Democrat. Unfortunately it is this group, the largest growing segment of the population, which is most underrepresented by either party. Trust us, we feel your pain.

3.The Old School conservative

The "old school" Republicans, many in their 60s and 70s vote Republican based on their historical pro-market and small government stance. They refuse to see the influx of the tax-and-spend Christian right into the party and feel it is their duty as good Americans to vote the Commie-Slackers out and the Republicans in. These hardliners are almost always pro-market and often associate single-payer health care or NAFTA withdrawal as forms of latent Communism, hold overs from the Cold War which must be eliminated for a healthy America. They are often conservative on their social issues as well, and generally toe the party line on issues like same-sex marriage and the war on drugs.

4. The Hawk

The Republican party is also home to the Hawks. People associated with the military (either serving or retired), have friends and family serving in the military, or are just generally hypersensitive to international events and wish to obliterate all threats, imminent or imaginary, to the US, are all supporters of the party nearly by default. However, the unpopular war in Iraq has lead both parties to outcast the Hawks, who now find themselves in the unenviable position of supporting a war which nobody, minus the President himself, wants to be in. Even though many Republicans are vacillating on the war, the Dems are decidedly anti-war. The Hawks' only issue of interest is international strife.

5. The corporate monopolist

The corporate monopolist hopes to leverage his money to gain political power in order to subvert the regular legal or governmental process. This group votes Republican because of the party's historically sympathetic leanings toward the market, as well as the seeming ease by which its members can be bribed or otherwise cajoled. They tend to support legislation that crushes competition, entrenches their market power, and eases the oversight of regulators. These are the same types of executives who destroyed the electric car, refused to manufacture the 100,000 mile tread tire, and hold the release of surplus oil in the midst of an oil crisis. I hope there is an especially uncomfortable place in the afterlife reserved for people who attempt to gain wealth and political power by crushing the natural rights of their fellow citizens.

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